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Reverend Loveshade
Reverend Loveshade (Yoruba: alufa ojiji ti ife; born 13 June 1975) aka Bruce Loveshade (incorrectly Rev. Loveshade) is a Discordian theologian, writer, poet, political revolutionary, actor, dancer, painter, sculptor, architect, musician, mathematician, engineer, inventor, anatomist, mammalogist, coprophagist, spankologist, and polyamorist. "E" (Loveshade prefers gender-neutral pronouns) is widely considered to be one of the greatest Discordians of all time and perhaps the most diversely talented person ever to have lived. Es genius, perhaps more than that of any other figure, epitomizes the 21st Century Renaissance personist ideal. Loveshade has often been described as the archetype of the Renaissance Man, a man of "unquenchable curiosity" and "feverishly inventive imagination". According to Discordian historian Lord Omar Khayyam Ravenhurst, the scope and depth of es interests are without precedent and "his mind and personality seem to us superhuman, the man himself mysterious and remote". Malaclypse the Younger states that while there is much speculation about Loveshade, es vision of the world is essentially logical rather than mysterious; however, the empirical methods e employs are unique enough "they would mystify God." Early years Bruce was born out of wedlock to an African American sergeant, Barnaby "Barney" Loveshade, and a Caucasian underage peasant woman, Bonnie, in American in the state of California. Because Bonnie was still a junior high school student and Barney was stationed at Fort Fnord, Bruce was raised by es grandparents. These were es grandfather Grandbob, a dentist, and es grandmother Minnie, a 1928 Porter touring car. Bruce excelled in elementary school, earning A's in reading, writing, arithmetic and toiletology. E was an avid collector, and within a year had a dresser drawer collection of 23 pairs of girls' panties, five of them with the girl still attached. Bruce wrote es first academic paper in fifth grade which was entitled, "odomobirin 'awọn ṣokoto penpe olfato ti o dara" (English translation: "Girls' panties smell good"). This won the state Academia Elementaria Award, and for es prize e was given a 1928 Porter touring car. This did not make es grandfather happy. Pornographic film career At a relatively young age, Reverend Loveshade ran away from es grandparents in America to visit England. Running low on funds, e decided to make extra money acting in porn films. Because of government crackdowns on pornography in the 1990s, e became ordained by the Janustown Church of England and claimed the films were produced for "spiritual enlightment and religious instruction." E was extremely successful, making movies in both the United States and United Kingdom. E was ranked by Adult Video News at number one in their "The 50 Top Porn Stars of All Time" list. Es best known pornographic films are Schoolgirl Spank with Mary Katherine Gallagher; Loveshade Meats Lords with Traci Lords; and Lonestar Loveshade with the entire state of Texas. Reverend Loveshade is listed in the Guinness Book of World Records for "Most Appearances in Adult Films"; es entry on the Internet Adult Film Database lists more than 2,000 films in which he has performed, and an additional 537 films in which e used the toilet. According to industry insiders, "the kinkier sex acts some actresses will not perform are bestiality, coprophagia, necrophilia, pedophilia, and sex with Reverend Loveshade." When asked why the actresses wouldn't perform with Loveshade, they bowed to the ground and said, "We're not worthy; we're not worthy." Political activism: Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild Main article Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild E retired from the porn industry after making films for an entire six months. Upon retirement in 1994, Loveshade had gathered a dedicated following, particularly in Australia. E left the American and British porn movie industry and moved to Australia where e began a political career among the Aborigines. E made speeches in public parks, city council meetings and grammar schools. E used personal magnetism and an understanding of crowd psychology to advantage while engaged in public speaking. Historians have noted the hypnotic effect of es rhetoric on large audiences, and of es eyes in small groups. The historian Lolita Kuminmykunny, a former Aboriginal member of Shamlicht Kids Club, describes the reaction to a speech by Loveshade: "We erupted into a frenzy of Discordian pride that bordered on hysteria. For minutes on end, we shouted at the top of our lungs, with tears streaming down our faces: Reverend Loveshade, Reverend Loveshade, Reverend Loveshade! From that moment on, I belonged to Revy Love body and soul." While in Australia, Loveshade invented a device e called an erotopsychotic meter or "E-meter." This was called "a religious artifact used to measure the state of electrical characteristics of the 'erotic field' surrounding the body." Investigators suspected it was actually used to determine loyalty to Loveshade. Those who "passed" an E-meter test were initiated into the religiously-based poliitcal party known as the Discordian Division of the Ek-sen-triks CluborGuild (D & D of the ECG). By the late 1990s, the Aborigines were deep in a recession, with unemployment increased by 55%. This made Loveshade's task easier. Loveshade and es band of followers moved to the United States and created the enclave city of Janustown in Janus County, Texas. This was near Waco, Texas, and modeled after David Koresh's group Branch Davidians. On September 11, 2001, Loveshade led an American-based revolt against the United Kingdom which controlled Australia. The coup was not successful. Unfortunately for the group, four of the five planes the group intended to use to travel from the United States to the United Kingdom were hijacked by the Islamic anti-Loveshadean terrorist group al-Qaeda. The fifth plane, containing Reverend Loveshade, landed in England at Mountcow. Taking the sign literally, Loveshade attempted to follow its directions. Finding this too difficult, e tried es luck at a pet cemetery. There, Loveshade was arrested on suspicion of seual assault on a dead puppy. Classical musician Odgen Edsl of the Academy of St Bernard in the Fields described the event in the song "Dead Puppies" from the triple-Grammy Award winning album Mower of the Odgen Edsl (1995). The song features the line, "Dead Puppies...they don't cum." Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht Main article Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht The failed cow and canine coup resulted in Loveshade's imprisonment, during which time he wrote his memoir, Mein Kuminkaninekorpsekunt aka Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht (English: Dead Puppy Sex). This described es obsession with first a 15-year-old late golden retriever named Malch, and later with a deceased 12-year-old English sheepdog named Minnie Rae. Thus began es career as a writer and poet. After es release from prison in 2009, e underwent temporary gender reassignment surgery and took on a new identity as Sheered Völva. Under this name e edited an issue of Intermittens Magazine. It was a theme issue that focused on sesso con i cuccioli morti. It was widely praised in literary circles, until critics finally realized sesso con i cuccioli morti was Italian for "dead puppy sex." Then it was universally praised. Ek-sen-trik-kuh Discordia: The Tales of Shamlicht was released in 2012, then withdrawn by its publisher five days later due to charges of obscenity. This occurred when authorities learned the title was Discordian for "Dead Puppy Sex." Because copies had been pirated and distributed, it went on to spend 23 months on the New York Times Bestseller List. Despite it being a non-fiction book, it was permanently listed as number one in "Great American Novels of the 21st Century." Hippies in the 21st Century ; Rasputin; Rafael; Eldwin Nightowl; Martin Luther; Mozart; William Shakespeare (known in America as "Billy Wigglestick"), and Le onardo da Vinci Honors (sourced) Reverend Loveshade was named Time magazine's Person of the Year in both 2006 and 2011 . He was listed first in Business 2.0's list of "50 people who matter now," and was among ABC News 2004 list of "People of the Year." "The Rev" was honored with Steve Jackson by the Order of the Pineapple in 2008 . See also *Rosenteeth Commune External links *Reverend Loveshade on Uncyclopedia *Reverend Loveshade on Seti23 Wiki *Reverend Loveshade on Reverend Loveshade References Category:Order of the Pineapple Category:Persons whose corporeal existence is entirely unclear Category:People with confirmed corporal existence Category:Pope Category:Order of Shamlicht